Kamangir (Archer)

The elaborate uranium enrichment facility that operates inside Iranians’ bodies.

Camels do not run on nukes. That, alone, is sufficient to prove that the Iranian theology is pursuing nuclear bombs. On top of that, with all Iranian women covering their faces, they are not at risk of skin cancer, eliminating Ahmadinejad’s rhetoric that the nuclear research in Iran is geared towards technological advances, including developing nuclear drugs for treating cancer patients.

In December of 2003, the historic city of Bam was devastated by an earthquake of magnitude 6.6 in Richter scale. 70 per cent of the city, including the historic Citadel of Bam was demolished, a moderate price the Mullahs paid for fulfilling their dreams of establishing the big Shia empire. Irrefutable sources have told Fox News that the city of Bam was similar to Israel’s Tel Aviv in terms of urban structure, and while the world was still unaware of the extent the Islamic Republic had gone ahead with its nuclear plans, the Ayatollahs carried out a secret nuclear test. After the blast, in a phone call, Ahmadinejad told Ayatollah Khameneii, “Eival!”, meaning “We did it!” in Persian, reported KillThemAll.com.

This event also proved how incompetent the mainstream media is. Rather than following the news and informing the world of the dangers of extremism, the BBC asked the despicable question “but Ahmadinejad was not in power then!” The mainstream media has long underestimated the level of secrecy of the regime in Tehran. A senior analyst told Fox News that “they are very clever. They always show a puppet to the world while the actual president runs the country from his office buried thousands of nanometers beneath a swimming pool”.

The world was shocked after CNN’s Anderson Cooper revealed the Islamic Republic’s most secret plan of all. Reportedly, in an attempt to disguise it nuclear facilities, the regime of Tehran is using urban areas as human shields. What is more disgusting is that the average Iranian is unaware of how they have become a part of the huge uranium enrichment plan which is running right now in Iran. A senior member of the International Atomic Energy Agency, who wanted his name to be kept secret, revealed that the Iranians are now using a complicated chemical process engineered by Russians. Rather than using conventional centrifuges, which could be spotted easily by satellites, the cruel regime of Tehran is using the bodies of the average Iranians (including children) as chambers in which Dihydrogen Monoxide is combined with Yellow Cake, an essential chemical in the process of enriching uranium. Cooper stated, “when you buy confectioneries in Tehran, you are in fact inflicting exposure to nuclear material upon yourself. The material is digested in your stomach and when you go to washroom you pass enriched Uranium. The substance is then collected by Chinese-made machinery which processes the sewage in order to collect the nuclear components.” Reportedly, the recent death of numerous dolphins in the Persian Gulf occurred after an Iranian child urinated close to the shore.

This, unfortunately, is not how low the regime of Tehran is willing to go to develop nuclear capabilities. Documents recently extracted from Ahmadinejad’s pocket, while he was giving his infamous “we don’t have gays in Iran” speech at Columbia University, unveil the pathetic soul of the Iranian fanaticism. Reportedly, in the note Ahmadinejad suggests to Khameneii, “we will order the suicide-mission guys to fill up their stomachs with a lot of cookies and cakes before they go to their holy mission.” Ahmadinejad continues, “this way, when they blow themselves up, not only the enemy will be covered with stool, but also there will be a lot of nuclear contamination in the scene and that is just glorious!”

The only feasible way to tackle such a brutal regime is to turn the country and all its inhabitants into glass parking lot. The enemy is not Ahmadinejad or his administration, but rather the real enemy lies inside the intestines of each and every Iranian and it is our duty to save the world from contamination with hazardous material. The sole thought of Iranians peeing here and there, after all the washrooms are destroyed in our eminent attack, should haunt every environment-loving person. In fact, it is our duty to help the Iranian public and let them die in a respectful manner, and not from nuclear poisoning.

Let’s bomb Iran.

Mr Smith was a member of the team which searched for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq for five years. Recently, after that project failed, he was assigned to find them in Iran.

- This is the article I wrote for the joke version of The Manitoban, the University of Manitoba students’ newspaper. Picture (c) The Manitoban.